Powers To Be E-zine

Did you ever risk living love full out only to have the recipient suggest that you take your love elsewhere? Did you feel shame? Were you ever with someone who was pushing your emotional buttons, and in a micro instant, you spewed harsh words that cut to the core, crushing another child of God? Did you feel shame? Did you ever bulldoze your way into doing what you wanted to do, in spite of warnings from others, make a huge mistake, and know that many people not only saw it, but judged it? Did you feel shame? Did you ever get caught in a lie or an illegal act? Did you feel shame? Have you ever been the source of scorn or ridicule because you were judged the wrong color, size, sex, sexual orientation, etc.? Did you feel shame? We all experience shame at some point in our lives. Yet, in my opinion, shame is the cruelest of all human experiences. And why not? It is the time when you come face-to-face with the belief that you are defective to your very core. There is a difference between guilt (feeling bad about something you have done) and shame (feeling that you are entirely unworthy and unlovable). Guilt is felt when making a mistake. Shame is the belief that you are a mistake. Shame ensues when you judge yourself by a standard, (usually through the eyes of another) believing that your actions miss the mark and your core attributes have been called into question. You also feel responsible, believing you brought the shame on yourself. Shame says "I did that horrible thing. I'm a horrible person." This critical, heart-searching gives rise to regret, disappointment, depression and contempt. By its very nature, shame is shrouded in secrecy. You feel small as well as a wish to hide or disappear. One woman reported that her shame was so acute; she wanted to burrow into the earth to hide herself. Shame researchers describe it as "the self by the self and felt as a sickness within the self."

Shame's Coping Mechanisms According to the Conflict Research Consortium at the University of Colorado, the following are the most common shame-driven behaviors. Most of these produce short-term results but in the long run, actually reinforce shame. • Attacking or assailing others in the hope of lifting yourself out of despair. (Those who lash out are usually full of pain. Under the pain is anger and under the anger is fear.) • Seeking power and perfection in an attempt to prevent shame in the future. • Blaming your faults and problems on others. • Being overly nice or a martyr to prove your worth. • Withdrawing from the world and numbing you to the feelings of shame. All the above behaviors are safeguards to ward off painful beliefs that you are undeserving, inadequate, unlovable, and disgusting. In the throes of shame, you believe on some level that you don't have a right to exist. These coping mechanisms helped you survive when you were young, but as Dr. Phil would ask - "How's that working for you now?" Toxic shame is spiritual bankruptcy. When you carry around that pool of shame, it separates you from God and others, not to mention how detrimental it is to your relationships. As my friend Rev. Richard Rogers, Senior Minister at Unity of Phoenix Church in Arizona says, “Shame keeps us from having conversations.” Healing shame is an inner job, an opportunity to evolve your soul. As long as you focus your attention "out there" you will never be free to mend those nasty feelings. You must be willing to feel your shame instead of protecting yourself against it. It takes courage to face and experience these powerful emotions. But there is no escaping any part of you, positive or negative. As the saying goes, everywhere you go, there you are. These emotions and experiences that you have been trying to bury for years must be released so you can move beyond them. Remember, these painful feelings can’t hurt you like they did in childhood because you are not vulnerable like you were when the original shame occurred. Below are some suggestions for healing your shame: • Feel your loneliness, helplessness and grief when someone's heart is closed toward you. • Know that shame is not your fault and that there is nothing shameful about shame. These feelings of insignificance developed in the midst of shaming people, generally formulated in early childhood. Can you remember the first time you felt shame? Perhaps it is time to feel it and heal it. • What you resist persists. Suppressed emotions gather strength. Be proactive and release these feelings. • Surround yourself with people who see you as lovable, who support you, who back you up, who convey that they accept you for who you even if they don't always like your behavior. Create a social support system which offers healthy interactions. • If you can't deal with the pain on your own, seek the services of a minister, spiritual adviser, therapist, self-help support group, or someone who reclaimed his or her life after a shameful event. • The enemy of shame is self-love. You can't count on unconditional love from anyone except yourself and God. Use the following affirmation whenever you feel shame creeping in:

I love myself, and I accept myself exactly as I am, right now, at this very moment.

A Maze of Grace, a ministry that teaches you how to turn a maze of limitation into a life of amazement by tapping your 12 spiritual powers. You may find out more about this ministry at http://www.amazeofgrace.org or EMAIL ministry@amazofgrace.org

More Ezine Sites Links

Home page

Information Index